Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Set Boundaries, Find Peace direkomendasikan @thebibliothetic . Katanya, aku bakal suka. Pada saat yang bersamaan, aku jg tengah menggemari topik membahas relasi (romantis) manusia. (Because I'm 1000% manifesting my current lovey-dovey partnership and I want this to work 🥺.) So, in your first book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, one of the things that I found most interesting was just this idea that a lot of us feel guilty about setting boundaries because we think that there's somehow something rude about that. But there's plenty of ways to do it, to set a boundary in a way that is totally not rude at all and is in fact, a healthy thing to do. So, the solution to this is the same thing. It's just a different person who has a different role in my life, but the lowering of standards for the sibling relationship is actually not healthy because what I want to be able to do is speak to a person I can trust. I'm not ending a relationship. I am not saying I will not see you at Thanksgiving. What I am saying is “I will not share certain information with this person based on how they share those things with other people. Please respect that.” You also talk really powerfully about how, how to and when to end a relationship or cut a relationship off? Don't try, ‘cause I, I'm worried that I might let you do it. And look, I know that this is not a good character trait. I'm not proud of this in myself, but drawing clear lines in the sand, it's hard for a lot of people, not just me. And that is why I am so excited for today's guest, Nedra Glover Tawwab.

There were also some examples that weren't egregious but were still telling people what to do. Tawwab says herself to state things with "I first" language, and I guess that only extends to the first word of the sentence lol. But I feel like there are ways to state your need without telling someone exactly what to do to meet that need. Like instead of saying "you can only drink three drinks," say "I want both of us to spend time together fully aware and in the moment" or "I don’t like hanging out with you when you are drunk." Yes, this leaves how to meet the boundary up to interpretation but shouldn't boundaries be a discussion about how two people can meet each other's needs? I feel like it should be a conversation, but Tawwab clearly feels that you should state your needs, not explain yourself, and deal with the fallout, which just seems so miserable to me. And then when we finally set the boundary, the person is so offended because you’ve allowed them to do this thing forever. And now it seems like you're making this swift change when in actuality you've been upset for seven years. They just didn't know it. Also, your boundaries can shift over time, right? In addition to helping you relate better to others, setting boundaries can also be a useful tool for self-improvement. Tawwab notes that by setting boundaries with yourself in areas such as finance, social media usage, and time management, you can break free from bad habits and begin forming new ones. Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own mistake.) In a boundary-setting context, natural consequences hold similar advantages. They help the other person directly learn from their mistake, without you having to engage in punishment. Consider the previous example, in which your boss asks you for extra help on the weekends. By refusing to go in on weekends, you set a natural consequence. Instead of attempting to discipline your boss, you simply allow him to experience the results of his own scheduling and staffing errors. How Not to Set Boundaries—Communication Patterns to Avoid

Shortform note: Some experts believe that setting financial boundaries for yourself can help affirm your self-worth. These experts argue that by placing limits on your spending, you make a conscious choice to value your own happiness over the pursuit of material possessions. And, as a result of the choice to spend more responsibly, you’re likely to feel better about yourself. This leads to a virtuous cycle, where the less you focus on materialistic concerns, the better you feel about yourself, and vice versa.) Tawwab argues that it’s especially important to explicitly state your boundaries in the workplace because your coworkers may not always know you intimately—coworkers whom you aren’t close to won’t know how you’d like to be treated until you tell them. Just like with loved ones, it’s best to communicate explicitly with your coworkers regardless of how close your relationships with them are. Give your coworkers the chance to respect you by communicating your boundaries in the office the same as you would in other relationships. As we have mentioned, when you experience frequent major boundary violations, you may sometimes need to leave the relationship entirely. Tawwab believes that cutting people out should be a last resort—because it may not be possible to ever return to the relationship, you should only cut someone out when they leave you no other options. Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.)

So you give an example in the book where you're talking about a, a mother who's struggling to deal with one of her children who has an addiction issue, and she feels like if she sets any boundaries with this person, that they're gonna kind of spiral out of control and she might lose them forever. I also found it strange that nearly all of her examples of boundaries are telling what the other person should do. I'm going to share these in Tawwab's favorite format: a list. It's like the grief that we have around not being able to do things on our own. We have been taught that we always should be able to do it, when in actuality, maybe we always needed help. Maybe it would be nice to have support at different areas, and I, and I think it's good for our mental health to learn to lean on other people. Another hurdle for setting boundaries with loved ones is the temptation to let small infractions slide to avoid conflict with the people you love. While it’s natural to want to spare your loved ones’ feelings, you can damage relationships by refusing to speak up. If you don’t speak up about behaviors that make you uncomfortable, others will naturally believe you’re okay with those behaviors and will continue unknowingly upsetting you.Set Boundaries, Find Peaceis a down-to-earth and practical guide on fully realizing your potential and giving yourself the freedom you deserve by clearly setting healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life, friendships, and relationships. Eye-opening and thoroughly engaging.” Shortform note: Because manipulators try to control situations subtly and indirectly, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation in your relationships. For instance, in addition to overt behaviors such as bullying and insults, manipulation can include subtle methods, such as a refusal to engage in conflict, as well as “love bombing.” In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that “love bombing” is a pattern of behavior in which a manipulative person offers excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then, they withhold their affection in an attempt to gain leverage over you. If one of your relationships falls into this pattern, it may be a sign that you’re being manipulated.) I follow Nedra Tawwab on ig and generally found her posts around boundaries helpful to aid daily reflections, as someone who is actively working on my boundaries. I understand that she is a licensed social worker but primarily has qualifications and experience in therapy, so I was looking forward to more of her writing and insights. Now that we know how to identify and set boundaries, let’s look at some specific contexts that can make boundary-setting more difficult. Specifically, Tawwab notes that it’s common to struggle with setting boundaries with loved ones and at work. We’ll look into both of these situations below and provide strategies to help you set boundaries in these complicated contexts.