Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with. After describing attachment theory and how it relates to trauma, Fern writes about consensual nonmonogamy and how it relates to our attachment styles. I so enjoyed this section because I feel like Fern destigmatizes consensual nonmonogamy and writes about it in such a clear, accessible way. I feel like whether you are polyamorous, monogamous, neither or a combination of both, you could benefit from this book just to deepen your own understanding of how nonmonogamous relationships work, in particular if you are unfamiliar or still hold onto some stigma. Even though I identify as monogamous romantically (though idk if I’ll ever find a man I want to date, lol) I do have three closest friends I care about a lot, friends who I care about just as much as and probably more than I would any male romantic partner, and this book helped me reflect on my secure attachments with them as well as past attachments that were not as healthy. Moors, A. C., Selterman, D. F., & Conley, T. D. (2017). Personality correlates of desire to engage in consensual non-monogamy among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals. Journal of Bisexuality, 17(4), 418–434. Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., Brumbaugh, C. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2011b). Patterns of stability in adult attachment: An empirical test of two models of continuity and change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 974–992. Shorey, H. S. (2016). Assessing and interpreting adult attachment with gender-nonconforming clients. Handbook of gender and sexuality in psychological assessment (pp. 219–236). Routledge.

Zola, M. F. (2007). Beyond infidelity-related impasse: An integrated, systemic approach to couples therapy. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 26(2), 25–41. As the title suggests, I read this book because I've been curious about non-monagamy and saw that Polysecure is meant to be relevant for all romantic / sexual relationships. And it is! In many ways it’s an advice and self-help type of book, but given from the experience of a practicing polyamorous therapist. I found so much value I'll probably dwell a bit longer on each chapter, and I'll definitely go through a re-read over my next relationship. Klesse, C. (2006). Polyamory and its ‘others’: Contesting the terms of non-monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 565–583.The book begins by discussing the 3 insecure attachment styles, which most often are determined in childhood. So I was basically that meme of Joey from Friends - starting a poly book like ;) then reading about my own issues like :(

Read the book for the second time this year and - having now more concrete ways to implement Jessica's counseling in real life - I found it even more useful and enlightening than the first time. Reiterate every single word I had shared in my previous review! (below) First, I want to thank the author for putting this book out there. I think it's a valuable addition to any poly bookshelf. I also have to say though, that I was ultimately a little disappointed. Cubells-Serra, J., et al. (2021). Assumption of the myths of romantic love: Its relationship with sex, type of sex-affective relationship, and sexual orientation. Frontiers in Sociology, 6, 1–14. Stuchell, S. C. (2013). Monogamy. In R. E. Emery (Ed.), Cultural sociology of divorce: An encyclopedia (pp. 839–845). Sage.

Sorting into definable, relevant fractions

Balzarini, R. N., et al. (2017). Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLoS ONE, 12(5), e0177841. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone0177841

Dr. Ian Jenkins and his partners, Jeremy Hodges and Dr. Alan Mayfield—a polyamorous throuple—made history when they became the first family in California to list three parents on a birth certificate. This month, Jenkins published a book about their journey to parenthood, Three Dads and a Baby (Cleis Press). I skipped the chapters on non-monogamy, not cos I think I haven't anything to learn, but based on my friends evaluation, a couple decades experience navigating non-monogamies, and my current priorities... As I’ve discovered, becoming the attachment figure for two women is an enormous responsibility, but there’s nothing unnatural or impossible about it. We can be the attachment figure for multiple children; we can have many best friends. We’re built for love—the problem is that we’re often afraid of love, because of the fears early experiences with love have instilled in us.Kean, J. (2017). Relationship structure, relationship texture: Case studies non/monogamies research. Cultural Studies Review, 23(1), 18–35. Monogamy can buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment based, but can be rooted in relational or cultural traumas and anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. When we commit to a longterm monogamous partnership or get married, these insecurities may still show up now and again, but many of them get eclipsed by the very fact that we have someone who has devoted themselves to us, someone who we think will love us and stay with us no matter how pimply our butt gets, no matter how much our body changes or no matter how stained and worn-out our underwear becomes. In such cases our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent upon our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self esteem." van Tol, R. (2017). I love you, and you, and you too: Challenges of consensual nonmonogamy in relationship therapy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 47(4), 276–293.