How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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My thought is that while it’s great to think about this division of labor before your first baby comes, we were so unaware of what having a baby would actually be like, that it would not have been that useful to divide up tasks before the baby arrived (for example, laundry was a much BIGGER task after the baby arrived). A friend of mine recently said, about her husband and new baby girl, “He would take a bullet for this kid, but he might forget to put a hat on her.” Remember that social pipeline of information? He doesn’t have it, and if you don’t let him learn, you’re engaging in “maternal gatekeeping,” or keeping him from participating in the nitty-gritty of childcare. This idea was reminiscent of another one I heard from a friend where her and her husband each get 1 evening off per week. Every Tuesday she knows not to expect her husband to help with house/ kids from 5pm onward and she can look forward to a kid-free / work-free evening on Thursday. We haven’t tried this one but if weekend schedules don’t permit that simple kind of Saturday/Sunday division, then this week night idea might work better for you. Get Dad Involved

It's led to "verbal jabs" and frustrating conversations that rarely resolve anything. "It never ends well for us,” she says. I now strive to keep my requests to one sentence—or even just silently involve him in what I am doing. If I’m emptying the dishwasher, I hand him some bowls. (What is he going to do—throw them on the floor?) If I’m folding laundry, I push a pile his way. If I’m making dinner, I hand him a knife and some vegetables. This tactic works a lot better than brooding, or raging that “I’m doing everything around here,” an observation that swirls around with nowhere to land.” a woman's free time is likely to be 'contaminated,' as one study put it, by other things, such as taking care of kids or housework." (p99)

Jancee's tone aside, the advice and conversations that she and her husband Tom had about raising a child in today's world were very insightful. Tom and Jancee's interactions made me examine my own interactions with my wife and daughters. the pay gap between males and females starts sq

Raising a child is full of surprises. No matter how many books, parenting forums, and articles you… Read more A big part of improving partnerships, say experts, may be nurturing those "protective" factors that breed positive relations among couples. According to the large review on relationship satisfaction over time, which Buehler co-authored, these include clear, open communication; feeling understood and validated; spending time together at least once per week; and having realistic expectations – in particular, not believing that one's partner must be ideal in every way. I was 50% of the problem," says Dunn, adding that she developed a temper that "still causes me a lot of shame". She would yell at her husband; he would retreat into his phone, "traumatised", which made her angrier. Frustrated and finding that attempts at communication only seemed to lead to fighting, she considered separation. This book would fall into the same category as Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, which a more sarcastic person might describe as "incredibly privileged NYC mom tries to make her dream life even better." When your wife asks you to turn off the TV and go fold the laundry, instead of saying “I’ll do it later” try, “I’ll fold it before I go to bed tonight.” Schedule weekendsIt’s perfectly normal for couples to argue. But sometimes those arguments aren’t particularly… Read more

There are great tips in here for any couple, ranging from communication to time and money management. But one big disappointment with the book is that the subject is explored through the lens of the author's personal life -- entertaining and readable to be sure, but potentially alienating to readers of different socioeconomic status. I was quoting this book so often to my husband he’s decided he’s going to read it, which I’m thrilled about. It helped "a lot". Holly realised just how much her perspective on their relationship needed to change.This book was not what I anticipated. I expected a funny, light book and I got a self improvement book. Not that I minded. Research has shown the vast majority of relationships change after having a baby. A 2021 study from the University of Born showed that, on average, relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time – and declines during the first 10 years of being together – whether couples are parents or not.

Only when she saw those types of posts online, says Holly, did she feel less alienated. "I realised … this is more common than I think – it's just that people don't talk about it." Once she understood she wasn't alone, she moved away from blaming herself for her rage, and instead figuring out why it was she felt this way. She also felt more comfortable opening conversations with her partner. But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to ... Meh. The anecdotes weren't that relatable for a mom in the MidWest. Lots of statistics thrown out that are pretty common sense. Parts were affirming-- as a mom of 3, married with a full-time job. . ..yea. It's not surprising, then, that everything Dunn covers in this book I've heard before. Although there was nothing new for me, I probably would still recommend this book, simply because it brings a number of good ideas together into one place, and it presents everything as easy to implement pieces of advice. Once she started writing and researching her book, however, she realised that wasn't the case: some 95% of the couples she spoke to said they'd struggled after having a baby, but felt like they were the only ones, which added "shame on top of everything else that young parents are going through", says Dunn.can't believe how many hours I squandered fuming, in the hopes that Tom would intuitively leap in and help me out. With hindsight, I see that my expectations probably increased because I spend so much time around moms who offer constant and unthinking support: when Sylvie recently ran toward me on the playground, crying with a bloody knee, one friend handed me a wad of tissues, another a bandage, a third a lollipop for Sylvie, all without a break in our conversation" (p248) If you’re yelling and calling names, your kid thinks, ‘If I get in a disagreement, the way to resolve it is to speak more forcefully, more loudly, and to say harsher things to get my way.” Dunn talks about her “everyone sort of wins” approach to weekends, making sure they take the time to discuss what things need to happen for each person to “sort of win” that weekend and then making sure that they happen. The ease with which couples can prioritse their relationships varies, however. Some may have time and means to access therapy or childcare help to spend alone time together, while others may not have the ability to do so regularly. Whatever way couples in conflict can nurture their relationships, though, Buehler says it's important to act as soon as possible. Try to begin an argument with “I” instead of with “You.” Growing up my mom called them “I feel about because” statements. Instead of focusing on what your partner did, explain how it made you feel.