Dominated by my Neighbour: First Time Lesbian

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OP, I think the stress of everything going on in your wife's life (raising 4 kids under 6 years old, maintaining a full time job, dealing with a new city, tight money situation, and a husband that's gone 3 nights a week leaving her to do 100% of the child rearing and chores) has sent her over the edge of reason. I think the connection with the OW is less the romantic lovers kind and more because she provides your wife with emotional support and understanding. Your wife is latching on to a person who probably empathisizes with her situation. I’d never considered before that being a femme with a butch partner needn’t be some inequitable hetero horror show, but instead could be something imbued with incredible queer comfort and power. It could be fun. It could be hot.

Over 10 years later, same-sex rape on college campuses is just starting to be quantified on a national level. Haven, an online sexual assault and awareness program that logs sexual assaults directly from students, works with self-reported data from over 800 colleges and universities. Haven had never compiled a report on undergraduate women who have been assaulted by women, but teamed up with MarieClaire.com to reveal new information: While the number of reported sexual assaults by women was low compared to assaults overall (only about 2.5 percent), the most striking difference came down to the likelihood of survivors to report the incident: 30 percent of women assaulted by another woman told no one, compared to 25 of women who didn't report an assault by a man. Weeks passed before Ella, 25, began to confide in her friends that she had been raped. While she didn't find them to be exactly unsupportive, there was still a consistent and major hurdle: "They are oftentimes surprised when they realize it was a woman who assaulted me." Later, when telling friends what had happened, I did laugh about it — one told me it sounded like something pulled straight out of The L Word, which, true — but I was also a little mad at that girl, and even more so at myself for being so sloppy. The consent element there was indeterminate; I had willingly gone along with the hookup, at least for a little while, though I remain uncertain about how much I really could have consented while drunk-peeing in a bathroom the size of a broom closet. After a couple of weeks of this, my wife is now going out every week and staying out very late, almost 4 AM. I would wake up on Saturday and do things with the kids on my own because my wife would be sleeping in until 12:00 pm. This went on for 4 weeks, and it honestly started to get old. I was OK with her having friends, but this was taking away from us as a family. I wanted desperately for her to have her time to recover after I was gone, but I finally confronted her about it. We had a late-night argument, and I was probably pretty upset. She told me she would try and find a balance.I tried to tell myself that lesbian bed death isn’t real, all the while heartily blaming myself for our increasingly diminished sex life. I was the one who never really felt like initiating, or at least not with anywhere near the regularity we’d had as a hormone-crazed new couple. I assumed, at best, that all passions cool somewhat over the years; at worst, I thought something might be wrong with me. I would move into a house with some friends in Brooklyn, where a room had just magically opened up. There’d be a dog

Another week passes and my wife is telling me that she is not sure where she stands in our relationship and I become devastated. This was out of left field. I confront her about her new friends and how convenient it is that she is sating the night all the time and she comes home with this news that she is unsure about where she is in life. She tells me that she needs to "Find herself".Stephanie Trilling, manager of community awareness and prevention services at the Boston Area Rape Crisis (BARCC), observes that for her queer female clients who have been assaulted by women, the first hurdle is simply understanding the assault as rape. Since this scenario is rarely portrayed in the media or in educational programming, "it can be especially challenging to identify their experience as violence," she says. "Many people have a difficult time believing that a woman could be capable of inflicting violence on another person." Her husband reacted surprisingly well too, suggesting that they enrol in therapy to help both of them exit their long-standing relationship. I took this as my cue to make a commitment and said I would move to the suburbs to be with her and her three children, once her husband had moved out. We got to the point where she was telling me that she was not sure where she stood on our current situation. She never brought up divorce or separation she simply skirted around it but the point was taken. I asked her flat out if she wanted to be with me or not and she could not give me a yes or a no answer. I had to leave for work early the next morning so the conversation had to be rushed.