True Secrets of Lesbian Desire: Keeping Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships

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Hiding homosexual fantasies and desire is strongly associated with a perceived negative social climate regarding same-sex sexual behavior and may be functional for some men in dangerous contexts, such as some Arabic countries [ 79]. However, it is usually related to worse sexual satisfaction [ 20]. Coming out and self-disclosure should be better investigated in relation to their possible effects on sexual desire, both at individual and couple level. Creating sexual values inside romantic relationships predicted higher sexual satisfaction and dyadic sexual desire [ 80]. While the lovers in On a Juniper-Tree appear to find mutual enjoyment in their pastoral paradise, Behn does suggest that Cloris hasn’t give her full consent to their lovemaking: ‘Nor would the shepherd be deny’d/Impatient he waits no consent’[222] and she refers to being ‘conquered’ by the shepherd: ‘Yeilds to the Conqueror all her Charmes.’[223] Moreover, Cloris has to subdue her shame ‘With love and Shame her Soul Subdu’d.’[224] Similarly in the poem The Willing Mistr Unable or unwilling to fulfil the social expectations of her time by marrying and bearing children Collins’s work enables her to redefine and rethink what it is to be a woman. The subversion in Collins’s work comes from the fact that she finds complete satisfaction by withdrawing from the world through her writing, and in her relationship with Christ, rather than advocating that women should be obedient to their fathers or lost within the identity of their husbands: Lau J, Kim J, Tsui H. Prevalence and factors of sexual problems in Chinese males and females having sex with the same-sex partner in Hong-Kong: a population-based study. Int J Impot Res. 2006;1:130–40. https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.ijir.3901368. Rosenkrantz DE, Mark KP. The sociocultural context of sexually diverse women’s sexual desire. Sex Cult. 2018;22(1):220–42. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-017-9462-6 This paper highlights the female sexual desire from a biopsychosocial perspective, discussing important factors connected to the expression of drive.

Nichols M. Lesbian sexuality/female sexuality: rethinking ‘lesbian bed death’. Sex Relatsh Ther. 2004;19(4):363–71. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990412331298036. Paine EA, Umberson D, Reczek C. Sex in midlife: women’s sexual experiences in lesbian and straight marriages. J Marriage Fam. 2019;81(1):7–23. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12508 This article shows important evidences on aging, sexuality and couple experiences in women. I was your house. And, when you leave, abandoning this dwelling place, I do not know what to do with these walls of mine. Have I ever had a body other than the one which you constructed according to your idea of it? Have I ever experienced a skin other than the one which you wanted to dwell within?[12] Early studies [ 89, 90] highlighted that gay men seem to engage more frequently in erotic fantasies than heterosexuals, both during masturbation and partnered sexual activity. Gay men seem to be principally triggered by visual stimuli and oriented to body parts rather than real partners. An Italian study partially confirmed these premises, recognizing a central role to physical, emotional, and relational elements in the imagery [ 91]. Gay men reported more fantasies concerning exploratory (e.g., having an orgy), intimate (e.g., romantic scenes), and impersonal sexual activities (e.g., sex with strangers) than heterosexual men. No difference was found in paraphilic-related fantasies [ 92]. Simmons JL. Public stereotypes of deviants. Soc Probl. 1965;13:223–32. https://doi.org/10.2307/798906.Peixoto MM, Nobre P. Prevalence of sexual problems and associated distress among lesbian and heterosexual women. J Sex Marital Ther. 2015;41(4):427–39. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2014.918066. Diamond LM. ‘I’m straight, but I kissed a girl’: the trouble with American media representations of female-female sexuality. Fem Psychol. 2005;15(1):104–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353505049712. Joyal CC, Cossette A, Lapierre V. What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? J Sex Med. 2015;12(2):328–40. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734. Peixoto MM, Nobre P. Dysfunctional sexual beliefs: a comparative study of heterosexual men and women, gay men, and lesbian women with and without sexual problems. J Sex Med. 2014;11(11):2690–700. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12666.

Robinson JD, Parks CW. Lesbian and bisexual women’s sexual fantasies, psychological adjustment, and close relationship functioning. J Psychol Hum Sex. 2004;15(4):185–203. https://doi.org/10.1300/J056v15n04_03. In a poem to Lucasia she describes the frustration of being near to a woman who cannot return her love, where Philips’s love is ‘hot’ and Lucasia’s is ‘cold’: Bancroft J, Janssen E. The dual control model of male sexual response: a theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction. Neurosci Biobehav Rev. 2000;24(5):571–9. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0149-7634(00)00024-5. With a growing wealth of options out there, there's something for every taste, and every kind of relationship style. From the high school-style squealing of Dear Simon, to the spicier adult themes in Blue is the Warmest Color and Portrait of a Lady on Fire and the sweet, elder gay love showcased in Beginners, these favorites really span the gamut. And that matters, because representation helps young, questioning or isolated LGBTQ+ people feel seen and supported, especially if they can't get that from their own families or community. It also continues to normalize gay, lesbian and queer love, in a time when LGBTQ+ rights are still threatened around the country and the world. Like this article? Sign up to our newsletter to get more articles like this delivered straight to your inbox.

Saving Face (2004)

Holmberg D, Blair KL. Sexual desire, communication, satisfaction, and preferences of men and women in same-sex versus mixed-sex relationships. J Sex Res. 2009;46(1):57–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490802645294. While transmission is less likely during oral sex than during penetrative penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus sex, there are still many STIs that can be passed on. Most commonly passed on this way are herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis. Although less likely, chlamydia, HIV, hepatitis A, B and C and HPV – which causes genital warts - are still able to be passed on during oral sex. STI tests Davy was not the only seventeenth-century woman to admit love for another woman; in France authors such as Mme. De La Fayette and Mlle. De Scudéry have been depicted by historians as having female lovers.[83] Moreover, female to female desire in all-women communities appear in a plays by both James Shirley, The Bird in a Cage (1632 – 1633) and Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle’s The Convent of Pleasure 1668. In The Bird in a Cage an over-protective father is planning to marry his daughter to the Duke of Mantua. The father confines his daughter, princess Eugenia, and her ladies to a tower where the women decide to stage a play to pass the time. The play depicts Jupiter’s seduction of Danae and while playing the part of Jupiter, one of Eugenia’s ladies, Donella, admits to an erotic desire for Eugenia. Annoyed by the interruption of a bell, Donella speaks the lines ‘[i]f you had not wak’d as you did Madam, I should ha’ forgotten my selfe and play’d Jupiter indeed with you, my imaginations were strong upon me; and you lay so sweetly…..’[84]